I Love Him, But I Don’t Want Him Like I Used To

“ I love my partner, however , I no longer desire him like I used to. I do not know what happens to me . This phrase probably sounds familiar to you. Almost everyone, at some point, has gone through this type of situation.

When you’ve been in a relationship with the same partner for many years, it’s common to experience a drop in libido. However, there are cases where this can be worrisome.

It is important to reflect on this, since it is not the same to feel that passion is not what it was, than to realize that even love, illusion and attraction have disappeared. We tell you a little more about it.

I don’t want him like before, what is happening to me?

If you feel that you no longer want your partner as you used to, thoughts about the past may appear in your mind. It is also possible that you remember again and again how your first times together were or how exciting everything was at the beginning.

However, as you well know, going back is not possible and can generate a lot of anxiety and frustration. Relationships go through different stages and each of them is beautiful in its own way. 

When you start dating someone, at first everything is more exciting because you don’t really know that person. The process of discovering it is fun, but it is based on expectations that you have idealized yourself in your mind. Therefore, there are times when relationships end after going through this process.

If you have continued with your partner after that, it is because you liked the person you discovered in her. Think that if you still love her, it is because there is something beyond sex and physical attractiveness in the relationship: a true connection in which commitment and intimacy are the main protagonists according to the triangular theory of psychologist Robert Sternberg.

Don’t be overwhelmed or stressed with intrusive negative thoughts. You cannot always be well, it is normal to doubt about the relationship at certain times, because it changes, just like you do. Also, it is normal for passion to decrease or fluctuate over time.

The reason why I don’t want him like before

Before entering this “drama mode” it is important to analyze the possible reasons for the decline in desire and passion. The possibilities can be many. However, being honest with yourself will prevent you from damaging the relationship and hurting yourself.

For that, we are going to see some affirmations with which you may or may not feel identified. We repeat, it is important that you be sincere!

• “I don’t want him like I used to because I feel safe maintaining some habits and routines. ” Underneath all this lies a great fear of change.
• “I have stopped being detail-oriented with my partner or showing her with little things how much I love her. Total, you already know! ”.
• “In my life there is a lot of stress regarding work or the economy that causes my bad mood and that my partner is the target of all my frustration.”
• “There are problems that I have decided not to face (little or no communication with my partner, he is always at work, he has been unfaithful to me)”.

• “I don’t really love him anymore, but I’m with my partner because I feel comfortable and I’m afraid of not finding anyone else.”

As you can see, there are many possibilities, almost as many as people. Hence, it is essential that you ask yourself how you are in the relationship. Of course, do it in a calm moment, not after an argument.

Also, keep in mind that there may be many resistances in you that allow you to delve into this topic. For example, denying it will prevent you from looking at your relationship with perspective and avoiding it will burden you with greater discomfort in the long run.

Go to couples therapy

If, despite all the above, you are not able to solve this lack of passion, it is important to think about going to couples therapy. It may seem excessive or embarrassing, but sometimes it is the only way to save a relationship. For this, however, it is important to do some preliminary work.

This consists of stopping blaming the other for the situation you suffer. You have to open your eyes and not be obsessed with a single point of view. You must be open to seeing and analyzing things from another perspective, not just thinking about “I no longer want him.”

Knowing all this, you can work with the psychologist. In the same way, it must be taken into account that going to therapy requires a high level of sincerity, both with your partner and with the specialist. If you are not honest, you will not be able to help solve the situation.