Resentful People Do Not Forgive Or Forget

Grudge plays a role in our lives, but it can become a problem when it comes to relating to others.

Grudge is a very common negative feeling. It appears when we are not able to overcome personal conflicts and we maintain a defensive attitude even if they are events of the past. In fact, it is not only experienced by those who do not know how to forgive but also by those who have been abandoned, hurt or betrayed.

People who are resentful in excess can have trouble relating to others. In the same way, they tend to end up being unhappy, since they constantly live in the past and cannot move forward, since resentment is a very distressing state that usually becomes chronic. 

It is important to understand that this feeling has a series of functions that are important to know. It is not just a negative (and sometimes self-destructive) emotion, since it also plays a fundamental role in the adaptive process and as a defense mechanism. Next, we will tell you a little about it.

The adaptive value of grudge

Grudge is a feeling that is associated with memory. The memory networks that make up the life experience store everything that can be useful at any given moment. Both positive and negative information.

In general, and for survival, negative or threatening information is stored in a special way in the brain. The objective of this mechanism is to ensure that the person does not re-expose himself to the damage received.

Humans, like any animal, evolve from adaptation to the environment. And this happens thanks to the fact that memories warn of which stimuli, be they people or objects, in the environment are convenient and which are not. In the case of resentment, we would speak of negative information.

Grudge as a defense mechanism

Resentful people save some information and events labeling them as negative in such a way that it is difficult for them to be modified later. The intention is to protect themselves, what happens is that it can generate a problem when establishing new relationships or repairing old grudges.

At a general level, we all use cognitive schemes that help and guide us in different situations, since they offer us information about the stored experience or the options we have. Ideally, these schemes should be flexible and continually nurtured, but this is not always the case.

In the case of spiteful people, it may be that as a defense mechanism activated by unpleasant experiences with other people, their cognitive schemes are more rigid. This implies that these kinds of people will not easily change their minds.

However, this is a very negative habit. Living constantly hating another person is exhausting and can sap anyone’s energy and self-esteem. Rancor hurts more than you think.

Therefore, it is important to try to find an outlet for that feeling, since in the long term it could cause serious problems. For example, it is possible to remember a negative experience so as not to repeat it without such harmful connotations involved.

Can spiteful people change?

Although a pre-established method cannot be proposed, advice can be offered for spiteful people who want to make changes in their way of being.

For example, it is advisable to focus on the current moment. The past no longer exists and while you recreate in it, you may be missing interesting things about the “now”. You have to try to enjoy what you do at all times and practice, for example, activities such as mindfulness.

In the same way, communication is also important. If something has hurt or hurt us, it is best to speak to the person or persons involved. Thus, we will feel better and we will not keep anything. Trying to be assertive and positive about it and keeping an open mind to possible explanations helps a lot.

Seek help if you don’t need

If, despite these advice, it is impossible to stop being spiteful, it is essential to go to therapy. With the help of a good psychologist, it will be easier to externalize and treat unresolved problems and the quality of life will return to what it was before over time.

Grudge hurts not only those who experience it, but also those around them. Many of them are not to blame for past bad experiences and it is not fair for them to pay for them. You have to give opportunities to others, but above all, to yourself. The present is too interesting to mess around with yesterday!